


Imperial Soliloquy

by MirrorEmpire



Category: Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Gen, The Empire Strikes Back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 04:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/895841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirrorEmpire/pseuds/MirrorEmpire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vader attempts to explain the events in TESB to His Imperial Majesty. . .</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imperial Soliloquy

**Author's Note:**

> Imperial Soliloquy was inspired by the riotously funny (if you're a history buff, that is) book THAT'S ME, ALWAYS MAKING HISTORY by Elinor Goulding Smith. THAT'S ME contains internal monologues by famous people in history, including such gems as Leofric of Mercia's thoughts on his wife Godiva's famous ride. Imperial Soliloquy divulges His Galactic Majesty's thoughts during Lord Darth Vader's report on the events that took place during TESB.
> 
> Imperial Soliloquy was published in WARPED SPACE. I forget which issue. It was clearly written sometime after May 1980, but that's as close as I can date it now…

"Very well, chamberlain, who's next? . . . Who? . . . You jest, perhaps? Surely even he should know better than to show his -- er, face, to Us at the moment . . . Oh, very well."

_After all, We haven't had a good laugh in --_ "Well, Lord Vader? . . . Oh, do get up off the floor, man! We can't stand to see a grown Sith grovel."

_Make it a good story, Vader. We can't imagine HOW he's going to talk his way out of THIS one . . ._

"You know perfectly well what We mean, Vader -- unless you're as stupid as you are clumsy . . . What do you mean, do I have your meditation chamber bugged? No, but it sounds like a good -- As for what We mean, We've got a little list here, Vader -- Oh, do stop cringing like that, for heaven's sake!

"Now, Vader, the Imperium is missing the following items: Admiral Ozzel. Captain Needa. Captain Piett -- Oh, _Admiral_ Piett? Well, in any case, he's resigned … rather abruptly, too, and he one of Our best officers . . . Any idea _why,_ Vader? . . . Oh, you're sure you haven't the least notion . . . I see.

"Well, to get on with this -- Vader, if We have to tell you again to stop kissing the hem of Our robe -- Missing the following: one star destroyer, lost in an asteroid field--

_An asteroid field. We ask you, what maniac would be crazy enough to follow a smuggler into an asteroid field in the first place? Sometimes we do wonder about you, Vader . . ._

" -- and also several other smaller vessels. I also have here some rather peculiar invoices from persons and things purporting to be bounty hunters in Our employ? . . . I see. Well, we'll go into that later.

"In addition, Vader, there's a little matter of a garrison now on -- chamberlain, what's the name of that place again? -- Bespin.

"'Securing it to the Empire' is all very well and good, Vader, but now We have to pay for its upkeep. That was a perfectly self-sufficient little mining colony, you know, and --

_Oh, ye gods, here he goes with the 'honor and glory of the Empire' again. The next words out of his -- can you really call that a mouth? -- anyway, We'll bet the next thing he says is --_

"'Trust the Force'? Now really, Vader, _must_ you continually bring up that outworn religious fixation of yours? . . . Well, of course we do, but _We_ use _it._ There's no all-powerful Force that rules _Our_ destiny. We're the Emperor, you know!

"Now then, Vader -- either stop glaring at Us behind those dinner-plate eyes of yours, or go back to groveling like a proper suppliant -- What do you mean, 'is that all'? It most certainly is _not . . ._

_Calm. We must be calm. Because if We aren't calm, We are going to do something Vile to Vader . . ._

"What else? Well, there is the little matter of several missing traitors . . . What do you mean, what traitors? That snippy little Princess What'sername, for one, and that scruffy smuggler with the matted Wookie . . . That's right, _those_ traitors.

_Every one of whom knew the location of the Rebels' Secret Rendezvous. And every one of whom is now missing. Sometimes we really do wonder about you, Vader. . ._

"Oh, you gave the smuggler to a bounty hunter to take to Jabba the Hutt. I see." _Now, now, remember Our blood pressure. . ._ "And Princess What'sername and the Wookie escaped, did they . . . Oh, I see, Administrator Calrissian helped them . . . And the droids did what?

_Jabba the WHAT? Droids? What droids? Would it be very Unkind of Us to ask him to explain exactly HOW one chit of a girl, one walking carpet, one ex-gambler, and a couple of tin cans managed to evade a Lord of the Sith and a whole squadron of Imperial troops? Perhaps they all flapped their wings and flew off? And if We ask him, all We'll get out of him is, "The Force moves in mysterious ways, my master." Perhaps We should have stayed a mere corrupt Senator . . ._

“They what? . . . They did? . . . I see.” _Have you ever had a restless urge to write, Lord Vader? Lurid fiction, perhaps?_ “Well, that’s all very interesting.” _Almost unbelievable, in fact . . ._ “Very . . . No, don’t crawl off, Vader. We haven’t finished with you yet.

“Oh, only one more little item. . . I’m sure you’ll recall it. The son of Skywalker, Vader? Who was to join us or die, if I remember correctly. . . No, We’re sure We heard you properly. . . Yes. . . Yes. . . And this boy fought for how long? . . . I see. . . Cut you, too, did he? Very enterprising of him. . . And then he fell where? . . . Hanging from a what? . . . Fell into a passing ship, did he? How fortuitous.

“Sarcastic? Whatever gives you the impression We’re being sarcastic, Lord Vader? . . . Oh, _do_ stop that, man, you’re getting Rustoleum all over Our boots.

_Ye gods, the son of Skywalker AND that cute little princess, whateverhernameis, both rampaging around. And madder than hornets, the pair of them. . . That’s right, Vader, cut off the boy’s hand and then try to reason with him. Brilliant . . . Bespin. Just what We needed, another credit drain. . . What does he MEAN, it’s not his fault? . . ._

“Oh, do go away, Vader. We’ll talk about all this later. . . No, chamberlain, nobody else today. We think We have a headache.”

 

=end=


End file.
